4.3 Letting (My Hair Down)

Posted: May 1, 2010 in Uncategorized

Playing dress-up, pre-festival. Picture courtesy of the BAK and Gina.

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I was planning to write this on Friday, as I was getting ready to head off to the Seattle Erotic Art Festival. And then my schedule got a little squished and I ran out of time. Which is probably just as well. Because I would have written a much different post pre-fest than after fest.

As the festival date was getting closer, I was thinking a lot about how I get nervous in crowds, how I never know what to wear, how I always get so excited about an event when I say yes to it (weeks and months and even years before) and how, as it encroaches, I start wishing I hadn’t made the commitment to it. I start wishing that I didn’t have to go.

A lot of that is nervousness couched in a sense of “I should be doing…” (fill in the blank, usually some sort of writing) instead. I don’t really think I’d actually do any writing, of course. It’s just that the fear and nervousness starts blanking out my excitement and joy and the only “legitimate” excuse not to go that I can think of is work.

This is a phase I’ve been through before. I’ve gone through it — and gotten through it — a million times. I tell myself that I know what this is, that it’ll pass, that the event will arrive and I’ll have a blast. Because I always, always do. That if I can just make it through the next few days and hours, I’ll be so glad that I did.

And I do. And I did.

The time had was fantastic and mind-opening and eye-opening in all the right and unexpected ways. I don’t know if I learned anything much at all about letting my hair down, but then again, maybe this is the kind of learning that takes a long time, again and again.

Or maybe it just takes amazing friends. The kind who discover something about you without being told, and who act on that in various ways to help you settle in, feel comfortable and really, truly let go.

It’s a mystery to me, how I end up with such amazing people in my life, people who love me like the dickens and are loved equally in return. There are many, many things I want to learn in this life, but I never want to destroy the joyous mystery that makes amazing friendships.

Everything firing, fast and furious, s.

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Comments
  1. Katherine says:

    Well your hair looks great let down in the pic here! I can be the same way about dreading certain social gatherings, but then always glad I bit the bullet & went thru with it! Glad to hear you did too.

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